Liz Spencer

Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness

2010-07-11T12:12:00.013-05:00

My back is sore. How is that possible? How do you pull your back when walking? Apparently it's possible. The left side of my back and my legs are so very sore. I told my brother yesterday that my legs feel like those of a Barbie doll--that they felt like they could just pop right off at the hips. I wish they would.

But something is different about this pain. It is truly bittersweet. Obviously you get the bitter. But sweet in knowing that God actually did this thing through me. I did not think that walking 10 miles would be quite so hard. Joe Wilson, project director, warned us that miles 1-5 would be easy and that something happens during miles 5-10. He said that previous walkers have said that the last half is less of a physical difficulty, and more of a spiritual battle. I have to admit, there was a tiny part of my brain that thought probably some bible-thumping old person must have said that.

The walk started out great. I am so glad that I chose the 7:00 AM walk time. The weather was great. I did not once feel overcome with heat. I took my iPod, loaded with my current Christian music faves (Kari Jobe, Third Day, Plumb, David Crowder Band, Need to Breathe...). The first 6.25 miles flew by with only one bathroom break, thankfully I got to step inside the Go10 RV, and did not have to use the bushes. I only know the mileage because the Go10 team marked the mileage at different places along the 10 miles. My favorite ones were the final mile (I even got my picture taken at that point) and the last 1,375 steps. Yes, that truly kept me going!

At the 6.25 mile point I thought "Wow, this has flown by without any real difficulty, I'll be fine." And then within the next mile, something started to happen. The hills got higher, the road kill got grosser, the songs on my iPod got annoying, I no longer wished to wave at passing cars, and my mind was flooded with everything that was going wrong in my life presently (and trust me, that's a lot), and I couldn't believe how my feet started to hurt so terribly. I kept thinking "How much farther is it? Shouldn't we be finished by now? Maybe the Go10 team did not calculate this correctly..." In the last mile, the youth group that had been walking behind me passed me--every single one of them. I thought, "Are you kidding me?" The last few steps were amazing though, the whole group cheered me in. What an encouragement! That truly was the best part of the walk experience.

It was strange what started to happen in the last few miles. I felt bombarded with depressing, irritating thoughts.

The devil really does want us to fail. He lies to us. He tries to get us to quit. He wants us depressed, angry, frustrated. He would have loved it if I had sat down and given up. He would love it if you did that in your life. He truly rejoices as I weep with heartache, confusion and agony. And that makes me mad! He is truly my enemy. He is yours also.

I pray that as you read this, your eyes will be opened to the lies that he is trying to tell you. I pray that if you've fallen, gotten off course, or just sat down and given up, then you will stand back up and relace your shoes and keep going!

At one point during the walk I was able to carry the bible written in the language that Laura Belle Barnard carried in her mission work to India in 1935. Laura was sent out as the FreeWill Baptist's first missionary. This 75th anniversary year has commemorated the FWB modern missions program. Each walker was assigned an active missionary family to pray for during the walk. I was assigned Tim & Lydia Awtrey, who are serving in Bulgaria.

I am so thankful that God allowed me to experience this. And so thankful to everyone involved with the Go10 project who helped during my walk--every water, gatorade, granola bar and encouraging smile kept me going. Remember to encourage each other as we are walking uphill, battling the devil who is whispering (or screaming) lies in our ears.

Thank you so much to everyone who donated! I think that when all the pledges come in, with the matching funds, we will have raised a total of $1,432!!!

Final note: scope out this awesome promo video that the creative G010 team came up with... cracks me up.

The Purple Bird

2010-05-23T22:17:00.006-05:00

I am in the midst of a very difficult season in my life. I’m choosing those words carefully, knowing that they do not fully capture the gravity of the situation I’m in. But we will save those details for another time. A few weeks ago, in a particularly distant moment, I asked God, once again, was He hearing me?! Was He seeing what was happening?! I was pouring out my prayers to Him, pleading in sorrow, and no answers were coming. I truly felt that the only time one of my prayers was being heard was when a dear friend offered up it up on my behalf. What gives?! So I asked for a simple gesture of love. A sweet token of affection to rekindle intimacy and restore my heart. I had to be something obscure. Something almost random, that had not yet held any particular importance to me… what would it be? The very first thing that very clearly came to my mind was this: “God, please just show me a purple bird.” A purple bird? What? I don’t even like birds. And I don’t count purple as my absolute favorite color. And I’m sure that I’ll be seeing purple birds everywhere—on t-shirts, old lady sweaters, cartoons, in coloring books. So, as odd as it felt, I went with that determination. Just as soon as I saw a purple bird, I would feel restored in spirit. So, I watched. Waited. Looked. And no purple bird was seen. Days passed. Weeks. I was growing very disheartened. I even shared this slightly embarrassing thing with some friends that I had been doing an in-depth bible study with. I did not want to tell anyone, knowing that surely someone would just march out and get me a dumb purple bird and it wouldn’t really “count” and I’d have to start all over with something else or just scrap this whole crazy idea. But none of my friends did this. One simply stated “I hope you see your purple bird soon.” And one asked “Have you seen the purple bird yet??” I searched for that purple bird, even researching types of birds. I learned of a purple finch, almost getting excited, only to learn that the purple finch is not actually purple! WHAT? A non-purple, purple bird?!

And then it happened. I was driving down the interstate and noticed that a car in the next lane had a conservationist–type license plate. With a bird on it!... As I slowly approached, I was making out the colors and I could not believe my eyes! The Missouri state bluebird on the MO conservationist license plate looks purple!! I thought perhaps my eyes had deceived me, but when I got home, I googled it and YES! The bird in certain lighting indeed is purple!!!! And I have now realized that every MO license plate has a small purple bird on it. So, yes, the very car that I drive has a purple bird in front and one in behind. Everytime I open the trunk, I smile. God is pouring out his purple bird reminders to me often now. I have even started to smile at all birds that He shows me. And the color purple catches my eye more than it ever has in my life. God even mailed me a children’s bedding catalog and one of the patterns has, yes, you guessed it, PURPLE BIRDS on it!!!! Oh sweet Beloved, I adore the love letter you sent. I reread it often.
God has still not answered those prayers like I wish He would. He has still not delivered me. But I am reminded that He is here with me. Fluttering all around me.

“What's the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don't be intimidated by all this bully talk. You're worth more than a million canaries.”

”Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”

Back to that moment when I first asked God to show me His love… I cannot remember exactly where I was, but I now think I might have been---in my car! With purple birds all around me, unbeknownst to me!

This purple bird adventure will be a life-long romance between my Beloved and I. And I am enjoying the sweet, intimate details.

My Birthday Wish

2010-04-11T09:16:00.003-05:00

Today is my birthday. Will you please help me with something in celebration of my birthday?

God has recently reminded me about how fragile our life here is. And He has started opening my eyes to what is truly important, and what will frivolously pass away.

We recently had to pack up almost all of our belongings and put them into storage as we wait for God to perform a miracle in the plan of our lives (job, house, future). Seeing everything that once seemed so important disappear before our eyes, and realizing that we indeed can live with almost none of those things, made me sick to think that our finances, desires and attentions were so misled. It is so freeing to realize that none of that is truly important.

Two years ago today (on my birthday), God started a chain of events in my life that shattered all the lies that I believed, and revealed everything that I falsely found security and self worth in. And He drew me back to Him—passionately and lovingly.

My mother has recently been diagnosed with cancer. To hear those words said to someone so close to you, and to know that there is nothing that you, yourself can do to erase that, is a wake up call in the hugest sense. This life is not in our control. It is out of our hands, and could end as we know it, at any moment. What things, people, symbols of status, comforts, LIES are you clinging to?

This year for my birthday, I do not want any gifts of material possessions; I want to ask that you help me encourage other people to stop believing the lies, to find true healing and meaning in life. Will you please join me?

I have learned in recent years that it does not take large, painful donations of money to make worthy projects happen. Instead, I see more clearly that it is in small gifts that God brings together with His amazing hands, that He brings about His plans and purposes. Will you please choose to donate $25, $10 or even save the paper of that greeting card you were going to mail to me (that I will not keep, by the way) and donate $5?

To learn more, click this Go10WalkForTheWorld link.

God will not leave me alone about this; so I know that He has some plan for me in this. He seriously woke me up at 4:00 a.m. (on the ONE day, for the record, in 18 months that I have had the chance to truly savor the luxury of sleeping in) to tell me “it is time.” And as you are reading this, He already knew that you would be… I am praying for you now.

The Unloved Verse

2010-03-03T21:58:00.004-06:00

My dear friend Julie led bible studies for ladies at our church when she lived here. To hold our attention, and lure us to actually show up, and keep us smiling; she would treat us with chocolate, silly games and even surprise gifts. During our last study before she moved out of the area, she made these beautiful tiles for all of us ladies in the group.

I was so excited when I saw my tile. Until I looked closely. {disclaimer: Julie, stick with me here, lol} I have to be honest, I was totally bummed when I read the featured verse. I had hoped it would have been my favorite one or at least one that I remotely understood. But I stared at my tile in bewilderment. All the other ladies were oooohing and aaaahing over theirs. I secretly frowned. It was beautiful, but I just didn't get the verse. What does that even mean "He who dwells in the shelter... will rest in the shadow..."?? Frown.

Now, don't get me wrong; I have used my tile every day since she first presented it to me. It sits on my desk at work, I use it as a coaster. I probably want to keep coffee cups on there to cover up the verse. In the first few weeks of use, I would occasionally set my coffee cup too far over on the edge and it would tip over. I would grumble and glare at the darn tile. My tile now has several coffee stains. Frankly, until tonight, I only treasured it as a sweet gift from a dearly loved friend. You know, like an ugly sweater that your sweet grandmother hand-knitted for you. You can't throw it away. But you don't want to wear it for a night on the town.

Tonight, however, I finally got the verse. Psalm 91:1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I am in a dark valley. Hurting. Questioning. Feeling abandoned. Asking Why???? Isn't God hearing me? Doesn't He care?

I watched the final video of Beth Moore's Esther study tonight. Long overdue; I finished the study six weeks ago, I just haven't had the time to sit down and watch it. It could not have come at a better time. It's as if God saved it for me, for such a time as this. {wink, wink}

In Beth's closing remarks, she references this verse. She poignantly states "God is never more 'there' than when you can't see Him..." Paraphrasing her, I understand this verse with the tenderness of this: In my darkest time, He is hiding me in His shadow. I am not forsaken.

Hide me, Beloved. Let me know it and feel You.

According to Him

2010-02-10T13:31:00.006-06:00

A dear friend shared an amazing article with me recently. Dare2Share’s newsletter featured the song According to You by Orianthi Panagaris. They had a unique take on the artist’s lyrics.

This opened my eyes, yet again, to the love that Jesus has for me. And also reminded me to listen to His beautiful words, and not the words I hear from this world, and even the destructive fear and shame I hear sometimes in my own thoughts. I am especially striving to apply this to those haunting reminders of my past failures.

Check out the video and consider this…

According to you (you=the attacks of the devil). According to Him (Him=our sweet Beloved Jesus).

But according to him
I’m beautiful
incredible
he can’t get me out of his head
According to him
I’m funny
irresistible
everything he ever wanted

Talk about getting my heart racing!

From the Dare2Share newsletter:
“According to Him*
I love you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.

According to Him
I know the plans I have for you, they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

According to Him
No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what He has prepared for those who love him.

According to Him
His unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.

According to Him
He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. He is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him.

*Jeremiah 31:3; 29:11; 1 Corinthians 2:9; Psalm 103:11-13”

What will you chose to listen to? I want to hear what I’m thought of according to HIM!

And I want to get a new rockstar haircut!

For such a time as this

2010-01-28T11:46:00.002-06:00

I have no better words than this to summarize the stirring in my heart, soul and spirit upon reading the last words written by Beth Moore on page 221 of her Esther study. For such a time as this, my friends… And if I perish, I perish.

“God never writes a story without a good ending. That includes yours, Sweet One. Nine weeks ago we opened with Miss Potter’s whimsical words. “There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story.” But, when God is the author, nothing is so delicious as the last word.

One day on the hillside of the New Jerusalem, surrounded by a crowd of glad hearers, the divine Narrator will tell the story of one woman’s life. It will not be Esther’s. It will be yours.

The story will begin something like this: “Once upon a time, in the days of the great and glorious Jesus, King of the vast empire of heaven and earth, there was a little girl who thought she was forgotten. Her name was Elizabeth but the king called her Beloved… This is the story of how she won his favor.” And with all the drama and emotion a great storyteller can muster, the Rabbi will read the congregation your whole Megillah. The listeners will groan. Bite their nails with suspense. It will be a raucous affair. With every mention of the villain’s name, the crowd will heckle and jeer. Then at the height of the story, when hope seems lost and her life and loves most threatened, He will say these words to the crowd:

“But if she’d only known, she had come to royal position for such a time as this!” By faith alone, to her face she will fall… then to her feet she will rise, ready to do what deliverance demands. Then the Rabbi will quote her resolve: “And if I perish, I perish” and the crowd will stand and cheer! For what if she does perish? Is that the worst this world’s wicked Haman can threaten? On the day that she does, this will happen: She will put on her royal robes and stand in the inner court of the palace, in front of the King’s hall. The King will be sitting on his royal throne in the hall, facing the entrance. When he sees his queen standing in the court, he will be pleased with her and hold out to her the gold scepter that is in his hand (adaptation of Esther 5:1-2).

And she will approach.

And cast her crown at His feet.

“God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.” (Ps 18:24, the Message).”

Even When

2010-01-26T15:58:00.002-06:00

I am just finishing up the Esther bible study by Beth Moore. The theme of which is a divine turning of tables.

I have been on my knees for a long time now, asking for a divine turnaround. Weeping, praying, begging, pleading, angry, sad, hurt.

And I’m coming to a fork in the road.

Waiting for direction.

Waiting for that turnaround.

Realizing the turnaround I might get, just might not be the turnaround I’ve envisioned.

I will start the next steps toward that fork in my road with this…

“I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.
I believe in love, even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.”

This was etched on a prison wall in a Nazi concentration camp. Granted, I am not comparing any struggles in my life to the horrific torture of the Jews during the holocaust. But I long for the day when I too can finally say, “My Deliverer did indeed come. He just came a little later than I expected.”

Christmas stirrings, it begins

2009-12-18T11:10:00.002-06:00

Something new is stirring in my soul this Christmas. I am seeing Christmas in a new light this year. I am seeing 'JESUS as the gift' in an all-consuming way, unlike in previous years.

I saw this video today and am reminded of what kind of life God is calling me to. I am not called to full-time ministry at this point in my life. And I doubt that I will ever be called to a 'Full-Time Preacher' position as my vocation. And I often feel this sense of emptiness in a “non-churchy” job. But God is turning this around and opening my eyes to the ministry field that he has laid out before me every day of my life. The story shared in the video is a reminder to reach out, create relationships and to just share how Jesus is real in your life. Not in an overpowering, demanding way. Just be real.

There are more things stirring around in my mind. God is calling me to share the story of what He has done in my life in a unique, fun, real way. I’m excited. It’s unfolding. Watch with me. Coming soon…

MckGiveaway HP TouchSmart!

2009-12-10T09:50:00.001-06:00

I had never even heard of the HP TouchSmart until I saw MckMama's blog review. Scope it out and enter in the giveaway just by leaving a comment, Facebooking, Tweeting or blogging about it. I'm drooling now.

i heart david crowder band

2009-11-17T08:54:00.003-06:00

In last night's post, I plopped down a link to my current ultra fave song, "How He Loves." I actually first heard this song in a LifeChurch.tv worship podcast (they are free to download on iTunes by the way, you really need to scope them out--look under podcasts). Months later I heard David Crowder Band singing this song. I actually was not familiar with DCB until then.

We are trying to sell our house (stick with me here), and have rearranged every bit of furniture, including our computer and desk. It now sits in our bedroom. The speakers for the computer now sit in a box in the garage. So, when I blogged last night at home, I quickly searched for "How He Loves" and found DCB's official music video. I quickly clicked to watch the silent film version, just to make sure I wasn't linking up some crazy inappropriate "secular" song with the same name. As it started to play, I watched in disbelief. Blinked a few times. Checked other YouTube suggestions. Blinked again. Then googled DCB. And holy cow, what do you know? They are crazy cool! Totally not what I was expecting. You have got to watch the "How He Loves" video! Seriously, Christian artists are really getting outside the box in their photography, videography, design, promotion materials. These guys are hilariously creative! They have just bumped Brandon Heath as my new music crushes. Ha! God, you crack me up. You totally get my sense of humor.

(please visit those links to get what I'm throwin down.)

joy poured out

2009-11-16T20:02:00.017-06:00

I fell in love today. With new friends. Who are pouring out their swelling hearts in thanksgiving.

Ann Voskamp, guest writer at incourage.me has been on a journey of a thousand gifts. Ann has found the real joy secret in the gifts that our Beloved pours out upon us.

I interpret what Ann writes as MY message: "Count the ways He lavishly loves... Husband of the soul endlessly caresses... He murmurs soft:" No longer will Liz be called Deserted, Desolate, Forsaken, Childless, Abandoned, Destroyed, Empty; but Liz will be called Beloved, for I delight in her. She is my bride and I will protect her. (Isaiah 62:4 Liz version)

Oh how He loves me. He is jealous for me.

These are the gifts He poured out on me this evening...

Standing over the heater vent, letting my ever so inviting pj pants fill up with warm air... aaahhh

and watching my little boy pretend that the lotion bottle was a microphone... oh what joy!

Thank you, Beloved.
Thank you.

Belen Hope

2009-11-14T22:19:00.005-06:00

Today, I was blessed to photograph this sweet baby girl. I know her Mama. I first met her Mama long before this baby was placed in her heart. I lost touch with her Mama and then God casually crossed our paths again. I then learned the dream that God placed in her Mama's heart and joined her in prayer for this sweet baby--long before we knew exactly who this baby was.

Cassie's journey of adoption has been a testament of faith and the discipline of waiting. There is power in wisdom and wait.

It's tough being a woman who can balance passion and patience. Cassie, you are an encouragement to me, and to so many others. And today was my honor to capture this moment in time with your sweet baby girl.

I’m Not Who I Was

2009-11-13T11:38:00.003-06:00

Yes, I wish you could see me now because I’m not who I was. Only by the grace of God do I say this. And to His glory alone. May my life be a declaration of His grace.

I've been pouring over this Brandon Heath song the past few days. It is quickly becoming my desired ringtone.

I realized through the Beth Moore Esther study we are journeying through, that God speaks such truth through her. As Beth spoke last night on our video for session 5, I too realized that if I was going to walk in the fullness of what God was calling me to, I needed to put away those former things and put on the robes of the one He ordained me to be. I will never fulfill my God-ordained destiny until I let go of those former things. (They were going to be the death of me.) I could not straddle the fence.

I came to that realization about the former things around 19 months ago. But I've sort of been in this place of awkwardness since. I have difficulty realizing that God already sees me with the royal robes that He has ordained for me (even with my imperfections). There is nothing I can do to earn this queenship.

sweet surprises

2009-11-04T22:00:00.000-06:00

I never win anything. Don’t we all say that? But really I do not ever win anything. Well, ok, minus the one time I won season tickets to the Waterloo Blackhawks. The minor league hockey team was the only thing that kept me sane at times during some very grey years. Ok, so besides that one time; I never win anything.

When I would read on the blog sites that I have been drawn to follow, that they are hosting a giveaway drawing; I never enter. Why bother? I never win anything. Perhaps never entering might be contributing a smidge to me never winning.

Four months ago I fell in love with the handmade jewelry by Lisa Leonard. I mean I fell hard. It is so alluringly imperfect. On the first day of visiting her site, I already had filled out my wish list and emailed it to my husband. I would remind him occasionally that I really would like one of my many selections for any type of holiday or gift-giving occasion. Any would do. Then I grew impatient. And almost ordered it myself! I mean, shopping cart was brimming, “proceed with checkout” was staring me straight in the eye. But then I stopped. I knew that God drew me to that website and I yet I also knew that God was telling me that our budget did not allow for luxuries such as at this time. So I waited. I am not exaggerating when I say that the very same week that I let go of my LL dream, I read on MckMama’s blog that she was having a giveaway drawing for gift certificates to Lisa Leonard Designs! I literally gasped out loud (GOL)! And thus, my ‘never entering giveaway days’ were over. I was in a very difficult moment in my life and said a prayer as I entered the contest. Details of the intimate exchange between Jesus and I will not be mentioned. Let’s just say that my Beloved knew how I was hurting and knew how dear this was to my heart. I left my comment and just knew I wouldn’t win. I never win anything.

Enter the next morning. I drag myself into the office. Begrudgingly, I flip open the computer. I stare at my steamy coffee. And I want to cry all over everything. My heart is heavy with the stress of my ‘difficult time’ weighing me down, down, DOWN. The last thing on my mind was the results of the giveaway. As I opened my email, I was flooded with congratulations. Clueless, I researched. Holy cow, I won! I won… I WON! But I never win anything… But I WON! Oh my Beloved, what have you done? This silly little token that amounts to a silly necklace is actually a sweet surprise wrapped up and handed to me by the one who adores me more than I can ever fully comprehend, on the very day that I needed it the most. A beautiful gift from my Beloved. Oh thank you!!

i loved even just the packaging...

one sweet necklace for my boys

and one just for me and my Beloved

with a secret on the back
{The pieces are gorgeous and amazingly made. I love how personal they are. Today I wore the jumble of charms. Tomorrow I will wear my forever heart.}

And then the floodgates opened…

I read, also on MckMama’s blog about Gussy’s giveaway. Ohhh, Gussy! Girl you have been gifted with such creative talent! Sure, what the hay, I’ll enter her giveaway. I never win anyth… Well, wait, I have won something, but surely I won’t win again…. I scoped out her etsy shop and quickly fell in love. I threw an item or two in my cart and 'proceeded to checkout' and then I stopped. Hmm, can this wait a little longer? Perhaps. And peace was made. A few days later, Gussy knocked, saying "You won."

Oh, BELOVED!

Seriously, check out Gussy’s stuff. Her photos don’t quite show how beautifully crafted her items are. The fabric is RICH with texture (ha, at first I wrote Rick). And it is so thick and truly sturdy. The button is ceramic or something! Indeed it DOES bring a smile every time I see it!

Ok, I’m spoiled beyond belief. I read a review of Stone Crossings on incourage.me I was truly intrigued, and well, well, another giveaway?... ok, sure why not, I surely won’t win. After reading the compelling review, I promptly found it on Christianbook.com, threw it in my cart, clicked “proceed to checkout” and then stopped. I have several books that I have not yet completed. A few I haven’t opened yet. And I also said a prayer. For the first time ever perhaps, I asked God what he would have me to read. Then I added it to my wishlist. Peace was made. And then I got a message from the author of the book, LL Barkat!!!! Oh Beloved, this is too much! I’m blushing.

And I think I might want to buy a lottery ticket!

What are you waiting for? Get to entering some of these (I think there is one going on at Lisa Leonard's blog)! I can't wait to read LL's book, I'm sure I'll gush when it arrives!

Buff Warrior Princess

2009-10-29T16:26:00.000-05:00

HA!, a dear friend wished this for me this week. I don’t remember the starting point, but from whenever that moment was until about 11:00 p.m. last night, I was drowning in a sea of unfinished tasks, mountains of laundry, endless distractions and a pinched nerve that only acts up in instances of crazy stress overloads. At just about my breaking point a few days ago, I sat down to do my bible study, distracted by the pile of laundry staring at me the whole time. I read “If God helped us avoid every possible unpleasantry, fixed every hangnail, and anesthetized ever headache for us, we’d quit learning how to deal with difficulty. We’d forget how to cope and we’d crush under the least inconvenience. In daily living, Beloved, strength comes from muscle, and muscle develops with a work out.” This was on Week 4, Day 2 of the Beth Moore Esther study that our ladies group is going through.

Well holy cow, God, how much more buff do you want me to be?! I woke the next morning, still exhausted, and looked at the mound of laundry closest to me on the bedroom floor and laughed as I felt God say to me “see Liz, you aren’t going to die from leaving the laundry overnight!”

I found several other golden nuggets of truth revealed later in the study this week…

In Day 4 I read, “We can refuse to walk in obedience to God or cower in fear from our calling and He will undoubtedly still accomplish His agenda. As for us however, we will pass up the fulfillment of our own entire life-purpose and we will miss a mighty work. Frighteningly, perhaps even a mighty deliverance.” Esther 4:14 reads, “ Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?” Beth writes “What if this is a critical moment? What if this very thing, this very decision, is the most important piece of the puzzle comprising my purpose? Beloved, in the times of greatest struggle when you make the Godward decision over convenience, earthly comfort, or carnal pleasure, you too have come to a critical moment in the fulfillment of your destiny. A defining moment. A war is being waged over your head in the unseen realm, and a great cloud of witnesses is cheering you on. You have no idea what is at stake.”

God started really stirring in my heart the urgency to post the video of “my story.” And then the panic started to rise as I was reminded in odd coincidences of timing, that I am a SINNER. The sin in my past I want to cover up, hide, and throw that mask back on. Enter Day 5. “Esther came to what many would call her ‘defining moment.’ Sometimes our most important moments come hand-in-hand with our willingness to reveal that we aren’t really who we’ve seemed to be.” What? God are you serious? Did you give Beth some crazy vision of what exactly I would be going through emotionally/spiritually at the exact moments that I would be reading this right now?! Weird. In a good way. I think. I related to Beth’s comments about a defining moment in her life “God allowed hardship and consequence to press against me from both sides until a decision had to be made and part of me had to die. Consider these words describing Esther’s dilemma and, in turn, our own: ‘In crisis situation such as this, there was no neutral position. Failure to decide brings personal loss and misses the opportunity to fulfill God’s purposes.’… There was no way back. must step into the unknown known and into the hiddenness completely unhidden. Fully exposed, only a providential force could protect her now.”

Tonight is our meeting where we will view the session 5 video and start off our new week. I bubbled up some chili to take. I pray that it’s another wonderful night of treasured moments with new friends and my Beloved!

Something monumental is brewing in my life. I can feel the anticipation! I swear, something odd has happened during this bible study. It has not been a torturous, dreaded task that I have forced myself to do. “Many people still picture scripture reading like taking a beating or like swallowing a dose of terrible-tasting medicine to get over a virus. Until you get into Bible study for yourself, you can’t imagine how thrilling it can be and how healthy and free your mind can feel.” Indeed, a voracious love affair with my Beloved is unfolding!

Your Glorious Right

2009-10-26T10:34:00.001-05:00

I was reading last night in Beth Moore's Esther study about repentance. I don't know why exactly, but it really struck me what she wrote. "Repentance is not your punishment, it's your glorious right... your invitation to restoration." She referenced Acts 3:19-20, "Repent... then refreshment will come from the presence of the Lord..." and Joel 2:13 "Return to the Lord your God, for he is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He is eager to relent and not punish."

Where was this verse as I was growing up a child in FEAR of God. Not the reverent fear of respect, but the fear as in "He is an evil ogre sitting up there, just waiting to strike me down..." I heard too many scary bible stories from the Old Testament. Perhaps they were presented in a frightening way, or perhaps I took on that perception--I'm not sure. I did not cling to the stories of Jesus loving little children. Nor did I understand the love that He has for me. The kind of love that calls me Beloved. The kind of love that delights in every detail of my life.

I often look back and wonder how my life would have been different if I had understood things differently. But likely I would not understand it like I do now, if I had not experienced what I have in this life.

Ouch! In a Good Way...

2009-10-26T09:46:00.000-05:00

Wow, Lysa TerKeurst has an ouchy blog post today. So good! She writes so eloquently what I was trying to say last week at bible study. I wasted too many years trying to find things to fill me up, to cover the wounds from my childhood.

As God reminds me through Lysa's writing, I am meant not to look at life as "What can I get?" but rather as "What can I give?" Oh to implement in the midst of real-life.

MckBest Buy

2009-10-25T21:50:00.000-05:00

Has everyone entered in MckMama's Best Buy gift certificate giveaway? Better hurry up!

Transparency

2009-10-23T11:09:00.000-05:00

This has been a rough week for me. We unexpectedly lost our beloved Bailey Brown on Saturday, October 17. Bailey is our dachshund of 10 ½ years, who was the sweetest companion anyone could ask for. I will share a memorial tribute to him when I can bring myself to do it. Right now our hearts are just too sad.

Our ladies’ small group at church is doing the Beth Moore Esther bible study. This study has grabbed a hold of my heart and imagination in a way unlike any other! Each week when we meet, one of us in the class shares our life story. It’s a wonderful way to get to know each other and to share wonderful grace of Jesus in our lives. I was scheduled to share my story last night. After Bailey passed away, I spent many nights drowning in tears, sobbing in my husband’s arms or burying myself in housework. Pretty much anything other than doing my bible study. So when my long yesterday was coming to a close, I just kept thinking “Oh I do NOT want to go to bible study tonight! I haven’t even read any of the lessons this week!” The drizzly fall weather did not help encourage me to bop on over to the church. Neither did my husband and adorable baby boy who were both snuggly and saying, “Please don’t go, just stay home with us.” Sigh. But I had committed to share my story… and I don’t want to miss Beth’s video session that goes with this week. I decided to call our bible study leader to see if they were even planning to show the video… Yes. Sigh.

So I drug myself out. On the drive over there I started realizing that I would be sharing my life story with new people. New people are scary. What will they think of me? Will they look down their noses and judge me? Perhaps I could modify my story and skim over the sticky parts. No one would know, right? And if anyone was there that had heard my story before, they’d think I was merely practicing discretion. Great. It’s settled.

We started the meeting with our Beth Moore video. Beth popped up on the screen and I could not believe what God was saying through her? “One of the most important parts of fulfilling our destiny will be transparency.” What did she just say? Transparency???? God are you serious?! She even joked about her own life story and how she (as we all do) wished to just forget about her difficult past. She then shared what God had said to her “Beth, if you don’t tell it, I will!”… Gulp!

The video stopped and I looked around the room at 10 attentive faces. Aren’t we usually munching on snacks or flipping through our books or talking amongst ourselves?! I took a deep breath, took off my mask and proceeded to tell my story. I pray that it was a declaration of God’s glorious grace. I was surprised by some of the responses of my sisters (pleasantly). And I was thankful that my Beloved gave me another opportunity to share what He has done in my life.

Now that everyone is curious… I will share my story on here—soon. In a unique way that God alone brought about. I’ve just got to figure out the technical details.

Testing of my faith

2009-10-09T10:49:00.000-05:00

So if you read my Wednesday post, you will see that God is doing something amazing in my life right now. I was pretty much on top of the world this week. Along comes the first major trial associated with this new adventure. And oh my, what a unique kick in the gut it is. The devil is sure trying to steal my sunshine.

If you are a Beth Moore blog reader and a scripture verse siesta, then you saw that one of the current verses is Romans 4:20-21. Beth creatively adapted the verses to read “she” instead of “he”… and God showed me that to make this more applicable in my life, I should insert “Liz” instead of “she.”

And so, it reads:

Liz never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, her faith grew stronger, and in this she brought glory to God. She was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever He promises. –Romans 4:20-21 LizLifeVersion

I had printed this out on bright orange paper, it’s been sitting on my desk, staring at me. Looking all cute. And then, reality hits—that perhaps this might need to be truly applicable in my life. And oh how I want to waver… But oh how I know my Beloved. And oh how I know that the true statement of faith is holding strong when life is not all roses and sunshine; when you don’t see God’s reasoning; when you want to ask “WHY?!” in frustration.

Now, back to Wednesday's post for reminders of the encouragement that I threw out there for everyone else to read...

Don't Quit Before the Miracle Happens!

2009-10-07T10:10:00.000-05:00

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

What had been my response to that? “Yeah right. God, I’ve been down here asking and asking, pleading and begging; pouring my heart out. Where are you? Are you even real?!”

My heart was so deeply touched with the Beth Moore Simulcast where, through Beth, God told me how deeply He adores me and delights in me—in the smallest details of my life. And He truly does want good things for me. And after the Simulcast: “Ok, but what about these desires you have placed in my heart???!!!” Insert weeks of frustration and unanswered prayers here.

I recently reached a place of surrender. That if God did not want to grant me the desires of my heart, then I trusted He would take the desire away. That He would take me to a place of peace and comfort. That He would make everything as He saw that it should be. And that I would be still safely in His loving arms. Surrender. “God please change this situation… or if you are not going to change it, then change me, take me to a place of peace. Make me into the woman that you want me to be.” Hours later, He answered my cries. Cries that have been pouring out of my heart for years.

I am here today to attest to the TRUTH that He does love me! And He does want good for me! He does not want to hurt me. And He does hear my prayers!

He is able to do more—immeasurably more than I could have ever asked or dreamed. I saw it with my own eyes, felt it with my own heart and soul. As I watched my dreams unfold, I heard Him whispering gently to me “Liz, I am able to do more than you could ask or dream.... plans for GOOD!”

Worthy is the,
Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song,
to Him who sits on
Heaven's Mercy Seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You…!

Ahhh, I am basking in his glorious love.

Friend, DO NOT QUIT BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS! Do not give up. Do not lose heart. Wait for the Lord. What if I had given up?!!!! Be still. Hold on.

And Now, What.

2009-09-14T15:33:00.000-05:00

So my life went mega-crazy after the Beth Moore Living Proof Live Simulcast. I haven't even really had a chance to sit back and process it. The summary of what she taught us is in the commissioning that she had us proclaim to each other:

My Dear Sister
God has not overlooked you
He has not ignored you
He hears every petition
And intimately knows
The heart beneath it.
Give Him full access
To all your longings
Pray every single day
To become a person who delights in Him.
When it seems to disappear
Remember to check your JAW
Are you jealous?
Are you angry?
Are you worried?
Roll it all on Jesus
He's strong enough to carry it
Big enough to handle it.
Trust God with all your heart
Now leave this place
And go into the world
And do some GOOD.

I basically had really, REALLY gotten into a pit of feeling like God was not real to me anymore, that he didn't love me, didn't care about those things that I LONG for so desperately. That He does not want good for me, that my life is just a "wandering in the wilderness"... I was down right mad at him.

I really felt like that whole Beth Moore conference was just for me. I felt renewed in the truth that God loves me, truly loves me. That He is not some aloof god/ruler figure, but rather that He truly delights in every detail of my life. He wants me to talk to Him like I talk to other people, like I write, the gut-level grumblings and rambling whispers in my mind...

I want to grow deeper with Him. Not out of duty--as I have thought for so long--that a "good Christian" just does the right things out of duty or obligation... I resented a “Christian life” with that attitude. And then I felt guilty for resenting it.

I am praying that I will become a woman who delights in Him. I don't really have a full picture of what that will look like in my life, but I am cautiously, and hopefully, reaching out for it.

Beth asked some tough questions, and I had to really be honest and admit that I have been really angry for a while now. And worried.

It felt so refreshing to hear her say how she will cry out to God--be real in her frustration and pain--and then roll it all over on to him. Again, I don't really know what that looks like exactly in my life, but I am cautiously hopeful.

I don't know really what he's doing in my life... in my husband’s life… in my marriage... in our family. But I have to do some things differently than what I had been doing them. Or no good will follow. And me clinging to Psalm 37:4 is not a blind attitude of denial of the realities of pain and trial in my life, but it is a statement that even though He is not yet giving me the desires of my heart as I see them best, but that He still loves me, wants good for me and is watching over me. He will be here to help me as I carry on. There is so much more in the 37th chapter of Psalm, than just that 4th verse.

So, I am left just trying to figure that all out. And seek Him. Delightfully, not dutifully. And be real with Him. And find some rest. Please pray that I will be a woman who delights in Him. That is what I need the most. I will soon share more of what God said to me through Beth...

What if the miracle doesn’t happen?

2009-08-27T15:13:00.000-05:00

Now what?…

Isn’t God still good? Doesn’t He still love me? Doesn’t He still have good plans for me? To give me hope and a good future? But hope in what? That He’ll do that miracle someday??? As reality sinks in—no. Hope in what then?

And living in the situation every day with daily reminders that it’s not happening is not a comfortable place to be.

So, now what?

Bringing Home Baby Hope with a 32" Flat Screen TV!

2009-08-03T10:46:00.000-05:00

I am so anxious to join my friend Cassie in her journey to bring home her baby “Hope.” Cassie has had quite the lesson in patience since God burned this into her heart years ago. But she is nearing her final months and I am overjoyed to see this dream being realized.

I met Cassie while working for a dentist in Rolla. Each time she would come in for an appointment, I would think how sweet and beautiful she is. I was often scheming about what lucky guy I would set her up with, but never did seize that opportunity (not YET anyway—she’s one great catch, it will be hard for me to find a “deserving” guy!). When I moved to Lebanon and found our church here, I looked around the room one Sunday and realized that I recognized Cassie! I have been blessed to grow closer to Cassie, sharing the deepening experience of our ladies and small group bible studies and just by spending time with her. She is such a sweetheart; I wish that I had more time to go around.

Cassie, a single woman, works on a modest teacher’s salary. God has poured out his blessings upon her as she has raised most of the funds needed for her adoption. And I am asking you to please help in this final fundraising event. She needs to raise about $5,000.00 for the final expenses of the adoption (airfare, consulate fees, etc.).

Cassie is selling tickets for a 32” flat screen TV (that’s right, THIRTY-TWO INCH FLATSCREEN!). Tickets are 1 for $10, 5 for $25, 15 for $50. You can purchase your tickets safely on her blog using PayPal. And there are ways to earn free entries (like posting a quick blurb on Facebook or your blog). Check out all the details on her blog: http://journeytobabyhope.blogspot.com/2009/07/be-winner.html

Buy some tickets, share the link, spread the word. You are helping Cassie in her final steps on her journey to baby “Hope.”

Wild Olive Kids and Love without Boundaries

2009-08-03T10:22:00.000-05:00

Well, it’s time for another Wild Olive entry (ha, I promise I’m much more than just a billboard here!). I am still drooling over their Beauty for Ashes t-shirt for myself and am just tickled to see their new Wild Olive Kids line.

Check it all out at www.wildolivetees.com

Besides being really cool shirts, it goes deeper:

“Through August 31st, 25% of our profits (instead of our standard 10%) from the sale of "CHOSEN" will go to benefit a charity near and dear to our hearts, Love without Boundaries. Love without boundaries strives "To provide the most loving and compassionate help possible to orphaned and impoverished children in China, and to show the world that every child, regardless of their needs, deserves to experience love and be treated with dignity and care." In just five short years, the foundation has grown from providing a handful of surgeries to touching the lives of thousands of children today through foster care, medical, education, and nutrition programs. To find out more about Love Without Boundaries, you can visit their website here.”

Serenity Prayer Savored

2009-07-16T09:56:00.000-05:00

I am picking apart this wonderful prayer, savoring it slowly like a succulent, delicate chocolate melting in my mouth. Let its sweetness make your mouth water as it does mine.

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Such a simple phrase, yet such a huge thing to truly accept.

The courage to change the things I can

I realize I truly must be courageous to make the changes that are necessary.

Living one day at a time

Not looking back with regret for past mistakes or longing for lost opportunities, nor looking forward with worry about tomorrow

Enjoying one moment at a time

Calm your racing mind and just enjoy the simplicities in life—let your ear shape itself to the sound of beautiful music, let your skin feel the warmth of sunshine streaming in, breathe deep as you smell a baby’s hair and feel the silky softness of his skin, quench your thirst with refreshing water.

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace

Pass… ok, haven’t mastered this one. Other than clinging to that hope that peace will follow.

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it

This was mind blowing to me when I realized this truth. Jesus indeed did take this world just as it is, sinful, full of pain, evil, selfishness,… He would have surely had it another way. But He took it as it is. Accepting the things we cannot change.

That I might be reasonably happy in this life

I beg for this

And supremely happy with You forever in the next

I cling to this hope.

My Plea, Dear Jesus

2009-07-16T09:52:00.000-05:00

God, I believe You are using circumstances and events to move me into a place of patient waiting as You put me in the place You desire for me. Help my soul to mature, my faith to grow, my life to be more pure and dedicated to You. James 1:2-4 tells me, "Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." Lord, I praise You in the midst of it all--my special trials and daily challenges--knowing that I must learn to be patient and content as I wait upon You. Thank You for being with me through every trial, every day. --July 15, 2009, Today's Prayer, Prime Time with God newsletter by Ephesians Four Ministries

The Serenity Prayer

2009-07-15T16:39:00.000-05:00

Each week at our CR meeting, we recite the full serenity prayer. I just love this! Last week, I took a copy home with me to study and mediate on the words. There is so much to understand in this Prayer for Serenity by Reinhold Niebuhr. God is really stirring up my mind and heart with this. I pray that He does for you also.

Prayer for Serenity, Reinhold Niebuhr
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.

Please focus on the truth here. More postings to come on this topic.

It’s not fair!

2009-07-14T14:07:00.000-05:00

When I was growing up, that phrase would often be on my tongue. “It’s not FAIR!” would be my plea when my brother would get special treatment, lighter assigned chores or the larger half of the cookie that was divided for us to share. My mother would respond with “Well, life is not fair!” It was no comfort when I heard her say this. It did not appease me in any way. In fact, I thought it was an easy way for her to avoid fixing the situation.

Well, she was right. Life is indeed not fair at times. It’s not fair that I got caught speeding when I was 16 and even though everyone else driving around me was also speeding, I was singled out and received a traffic ticket. It’s not fair that I had to grow up in a family that struggled financially at times. I never wore the latest fashions, while other kids in my school grew up in wealthy families that could afford to shower them with Guess jeans, Nike shoes and cute hair accessories. It’s not fair that I had acne and other kids had perfectly flawless skin.

It’s not fair that I struggled for years to get pregnant, longing for a baby to hold in my arms; while other women, even drug-addicted prostitutes, could get pregnant, only to abuse their child. It’s not fair that after waiting all those years, when I finally got pregnant, we lost our baby.

It’s not fair that puppies are abused and abandoned to die of starvation. It’s not fair that children are helpless victims of abuse and those who so maliciously hurt them walk free. It’s not fair that a tornado will miss houses all down the street, but hit yours. It’s not fair that fathers abandon children, that people get cancer, that parents get divorced, that good people die or are left alone…

We are never guaranteed that life will be easy or that we will be bestowed riches and fame. We are not promised that if we follow all of the Ten Commandments and show up to church every Sunday and read the bible every day, that we will never get cancer, we’ll always drive new cars, that we’ll have the two-story house with a white picket fence and live happily ever after. Please watch this video denouncing the Prosperity Gospel. Not for the faint of heart; this is powerful stuff!

If you look at the life of Jesus, his life was most certainly not fair. He was betrayed by his friends, rejected and killed when all he did was show love.

That is exactly right, it’s not fair! It’s not fair that Jesus, beloved by God, offered himself to be the sacrifice for our sins. He lived a perfect life, died a horrific death because of the evil in our hearts! Sometimes I look at our son, all-consuming love overflowing from my heart; and I think that God loved Jesus even more than I can understand, and yet sacrificed him for the very people who would spit in his face, whip him and nail him to a wooden cross. For me!—knowing all that I would do to hurt him and others. I cannot wrap my mind around the idea to let my son’s life be sacrificed for anyone. Much less for people who hate and reject me.

God is enough. He is good. Make HIM the desire of your heart and you will never think, “It’s not fair” again.

Right Where You Are

2009-07-10T14:03:00.000-05:00

I have been in heavy thought lately. Asking God what he would have with my life. Considering the question of “if I have a ‘normal’ job, aren’t I doing less for God than if I were to have a ‘ministry’ job?” But knowing at the same time that we all cannot be full-time paid staff members at a church.

A friend of mine started sending me Prime Time With God newsletters from ephesians four ministries and the Church Growth Institute. The newsletters seem to be written from the persepective of a christian man in a professional business setting. He calls us to be Jesus to those people around us, right where we are, in exactly what we’re doing. Ok, those are my words, and a focused take on some of the writings.

The newsletter for today is an interesting post. Here’s a clip:
God desires to bring His Kingdom into every sphere of life. When Jesus wanted to bring His Kingdom into the corrupt tax system in Jerusalem, the first thing He did was recruit Matthew, the tax collector. He began investing in his life. Jesus' presence brought conviction to anyone who was operating in an ungodly manner. Do you need the presence of Jesus in your industry? Invite Him in today.

I heard a christain lawyer speak yesterday at our Rotary club meeting. He challenged christians to stand up and fight for God to remain in our country’s education, political and judicial systems. That was quite a heavy topic for a lunch crowd, but a comment that he made stuck out to me. He said the he removed himself from the Bar Association years ago because their mission, leaders and movement were so far away from God. He has realized now, some 20 years later, that perhaps he should have stayed in and spoken up. Who knows what might have been different if he had.

I think that is what God is calling us to do. To infiltrate the world with His LOVE!
Our pastor used to share this message, that Jesus came for the sick; not the healthy. The lost coins, the lost sheep, the prodigal sons—not the “religious” people of His day. God has a specific purpose designed for each of us. And it’s unique to each individual. And if you (I) are not fulfilling the purpose that God designed you (me) for, then some work is going undone!

Longing for an end to my longing...

2009-06-22T11:46:00.000-05:00

I have come to realize that ‘longing’ has been a struggle of mine for several years. I have often found myself longing for the next big thing to happen: graduating high school, college, marriage, moving, buying a house, divorce, moving, men, money, possessions, comforts, friends, marriage, a baby, a stronger marriage,…

In the last few months, I feel myself longing for the longing to stop. Because it never ends! I desire contentment in where I am at right now. Not to totally void all of my hopes and dreams for my future or for personal growth; but just for peace and happiness.

We had a yard sale this weekend and I saw so many things that I just ‘had to have’ at one point in my life-almost given away, meaning nothing now.

And though my heart desires peace and happiness in my marriage, I know that my husband is not perfect, and neither am I! There will be times when we let each other down. We should not be searching for ultimate fulfillment in each other, but rather turning our hearts to God. He will NEVER let us down. He will ALWAYS be there for us. He will be faithful and true, He LONGS for us. And He longs for us to long for Him.

This is the prayer of my heart, my souls cries out! The song of this season of my life is: I need you like a hurricane by Jimmy Needham.

The following is an excerpt from Lysa Terkeurst’s blog today… God is really hammering this into my heart…

External comforts won't ever produce lasting internal joy.

I… pray that God be your constant companion, your sure foundation and the greatest desire of your heart. You can't gain this without experiencing times where life is lacking.In your teen years you may feel the lack of love and companionship. You may think, "If only I had a boyfriend, my life would be wonderful." But that's not true. In your early twenties you may think, "If only I had more material possessions like a better car and a bigger house, my life would be wonderful." But that's not true. Later in your life you may think, "If only I had a more fulfilling job, a more fulfilling marriage, a more fulfilling purpose, my life would be wonderful." But that's not true. Having a boyfriend, material possessions, a great job, a loving husband, and knowing your purpose are all wonderful things. But none of these things can be perfectly constant. And none of these can be a sure foundation. Therefore, none of these should be our greatest desire. Only God can and should hold that place in our heart. God is the only perfect fit for the shape of our lack.

E-Team girls

2009-06-17T10:55:00.000-05:00

Two girls from our church are now arriving at their E-team mission trip destinations. I am so proud of them and so excited to see photos of them interacting, training and preparing for the challenge that lies ahead. The seriously felt chills run up my spine as I saw Nicole boldly participating in the games and as I read this prayer request for the group: "We have begun to pray as a team that we will get to see someone saved because of our work for the Kingdom."

follow Nicole in Mexico here

and

follow Karlee in France here

Godspeed girls! We're praying!

Wild Olive Tees

2009-06-08T16:25:00.000-05:00

Wild Olive Tees is a great site for great tees...

I ordered the "Unfolding" fitted tee, in honor of baby Stellan. Can't wait to get it! I've picked out my wish list, fingers crossed to win the contest.

I also like the "Beloved" one and have told my beloved this. Fingers crossed that he'll take the blatant hint I gave him (with size included, ha!).

Nicole and Jaimie, Class of 2009

2009-05-30T20:15:00.000-05:00

The holy lily

2009-05-27T21:18:00.000-05:00

Adam has shared a lot of photography experiences with me. He has seen the fine art photography I dove into in Photography School. He has heard about countless competitions I entered. While he was in Iraq I sent him a video of my first solo photographer exhibit at the University of Missouri-Rolla. He watched (and helped) as I was the coordinator of the photography show in Rolla. He even saw me realize my dream of photographing the Eiffel Tower. He has also seen me struggle with frustration as I have been stuck in very non-creative, full-time jobs, leaving very little time or motivation for art. He has watched as I begrudgingly agreed to take family photos, schedule senior pictures and shoot weddings when this was not a desire of mine whatsoever. And he has heard me recently say how I want to use my photography for a greater purpose and how I am tired of getting stuck in 9-5 completely unrelated jobs.

As I recently prepared for the senior photo project referred to here, Adam made a comment to me. He said gently, “I can tell when you don’t want to shoot a project. I can tell when you don’t put your heart into it. I can see it in the quality of the photos.” It felt like someone had thrown ice cold water in my face. He can TELL when I begrudgingly take photos?! As in, he can SEE it?! Wow. It was hard for him to say, but he felt compelled to do so. It was one of those ‘life-changing’ moments for me.

He brought me calla lilies the other day. This flower is one of those very sacred things in our relationship. I fell in love with this flower during photography school. It is rare, expensive and no other man has ever given me this flower. Adam would send them to me when he was deployed, they would arrive on my doorstep, weeping those ‘new love’ emotions. He started growing them for me when we lived in Rolla and I carried them in our wedding. He now has planted bulbs here in our yard and they grew beautifully last year. The ones he brought home the other day are in full bloom, very mature and completely stunning. This is more than just a flower to me. He asked when he gave them to me “will you take photos of them, please?” I was a little taken back by this. He never asks me to take photos of anything. It was as if he was begging me to savor this.

I was hearing his comment about passion in my work as I set up a lily to shoot. I actually had the urge to dedicate this as a sacred moment of worship. And I did just that. For the first time, I used a shoot as an act of worship. Please know, I am not seeking glory, just sharing the intimate moment I had with Jesus. I praised Him for creating this breathtaking work of art and for allowing me to take it in. Doesn’t this shot look like the flower is opening its mouth to sing praises?!

God has changed my view of portrait photography after my wedding and the birth of our son. I am capturing unforgettable moments in people’s lives. Moments that they will never get back again. And all that will remain besides memories are my portraits. What an honor to share a moment, to show someone how beautifully they are made, to capture raw emotion, and of course to create art.

Oh, and p.s., when Adam saw the girls' photos, he said "wow, I can tell you really wanted to do this." ahhhh, makes my heart melt.

Beth Moore sighting

2009-05-27T15:26:00.000-05:00

My dear friend, Emily Cooper, lent me her book “Praying God’s Word” by Beth Moore. I was engrossed in the introduction last night and had the burning desire to go to one of Beth’s conferences one day. Emily and another dear friend, Julie Wilson, attended a Pastor’s Wives conference recently by Beth and raved about what they experienced while there. So, I just thought last night “hmm, I’d like to hear her speak some day.” This morning as I was feeding my little muffin, I flipped on the TV. Tristan usually likes to listen to music (oh boy how I wish we had a Christian music channel!) as he has his morning bottle. The TV was on the Discovery Channel, but the program playing was not related to Discovery whatsoever. I looked up to the screen dumbfounded. I blinked several times, mouth dropped open. I was looking at Beth Moore, teaching at a conference. I checked the station guide and all it said was “Paid Programming.” Seriously?! YES! God is hilarious! I missed the message being shared as we were in the last few minutes, but I was so amused at how He heard my inner thoughts and wanted to make me smile!

Here is the portion of the introduction of the book that hit me so hard:

“Prayer keeps us in constant communication with God, which is the goal of our entire believing lives. Without a doubt, prayerless lives are powerless lives, and prayerful lives are powerful lives; but, believe it or not, the ultimate goal God has for us is not power but personal intimacy with Him. Yes, God wants to bring us healing, but more than anything, He wants us to know our Healer. Yes, He wants to give us resurrection life, but more than that, He wants us to know the Resurrection and the Life. Please let this truth sink in deeply; It is never the will of God for warfare to become our focus. The fastest way to lose our balance in warfare is to rebuke the devil more than we relate to God. The primary strength we have in warfare is godliness, which is achieved only through intimacy with God; therefore, God will undoubtedly enforce prayer as one of the weapons of our warfare because His chief objective is to keep us connected entirely to Him. We will never win any spiritual battle without prayer, but when the heart of the battle has momentarily cooled, the plunder from the battle is a far greater intimacy with God. Prayer is not the means to an end. In so many ways, it is the end itself.”

I have found myself at times sadly thinking “Is prayer the ONLY thing I can do in this situation?!” What a call to transform my entire way of thinking! I still would like to see Beth live someday. I’m smiling, God. Who knows what you have up your sleeve.

Nicole and Jaimie, Class of 2009--My honor

2009-05-23T20:45:00.000-05:00

I am excited to say that God allowed me to use my photography to bless two wonderful girls from our church this week. They are seniors in high school, graduating next week. Both are from families who are non-Christian and who struggle greatly with finances. Neither girl's family was planning a graduation party for them and friends of mine from church suggested that we all pitch in and plan one for them. As we were discussing decoration ideas and also gift ideas, God laid it on my heart to shoot their senior photos and get some exciting prints designed to surprise them with. Of course he does this only a week and a half before the party. I started to feel the frustration that comes along with a hurried project full of particular demands, but then I realized "Hey, God knows me... He knows that I work best under a deadline and under a little pressure... He will work out the details if I am only willing." And he is doing just that.

For the last 9 months or so, I have been praying, pleading with him to allow me to use this gift for his purposes, and for his glory, and to bless other people. And here it is. These are real girls, not barbie dolls--they don't have perfect skin or bodies or designer clothes... but they are the girls who are most in need of having someone make them feel special and beautiful!

I did not have professional senior pictures taken in high school. I struggled with self esteem and body image. I would have loved it if someone would have provided me this opportunity. And now that I'm on the other side, I am loving this opportunity that God has given me. What a blessing!

These may not be my "best-ever" photos. I probably am not going to have any award-winning portfolio images from this. But for these girls, these ARE probably going to be their "best-ever" photos. How amazing is that?!! I may not have any personal gain whatsoever. And that feels so good.

To God be the glory!

p.s. Please pray that God will get these prints to me before the party Saturday! Time crunch at the lab with the holiday. I'm trusting it will all work out as he desires.

p.p.s. Jaimie is not a believer in Jesus... Please join me also as I pray that God will work in this for a bigger purpose than just pretty pictures.

Thankful for my boy!

2009-05-14T16:32:00.001-05:00

I wanted a girl. Adam wanted a girl. When we pictured our baby in our arms, we saw pigtails and ruffles and bows. What we got was just the opposite. And now, I can't imagine anything else.

It is rare now that my head turns now to look at cute dresses and barbies and bows. But these are just too cute not to pass along! I am entering, NOT in hopes for Tristan to have a baby sister! Sorry grandparents, we're having a yard sale soon! Just spreading the word to support the wonderful mission to bring a baby home!

http://sarabethbows.blogspot.com/

p.s. Please mention me (Liz S.) in your entry and I'll get another entry. Thanks!

Enough is Enough

2009-05-10T21:58:00.000-05:00

Today I was privileged to be able to share the story of what Christ has done in my life, focusing on the experience I have had with Celebrate Recovery. Here is what I shared today in our church services. All glory goes to Him. This is not me bragging about any of my accomplishments, but me telling about my weakness, for when I am weak, then His strength is what I rely on. 2 Corinthians 12:10: That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m a grateful believer in Jesus who struggles with sin.

I’d like to take a moment to share with you the life-changing experience I have had in our Celebrate Recovery program at our church. I did not come to CR to address what some people would label a “big issue” like drug abuse, alcoholism or compulsive gambling. I was drawn to the program when I heard the words “Celebrate Recovery heals your hurts, habits and hang-ups.” I was very interested, but was hesitant, worried that I would be labeled one of “those people.”

My parents divorced when I was only four years old. My father abandoned us after the divorce and I grew up questioning why he didn’t love me. My mother never remarried and was active in her church. When I say active, I mean she drug my brother and I to every Sunday morning, Sunday evening and Wednesday evening service, not to mention all the special events. We grew up hearing countless Sunday school lessons and reading bible stories about fire and brimstone and snakes and locusts and people being struck down for their evil ways. I began to think that God was just this big ogre sitting up in heaven waiting to strike me down if I committed sin, did not have enough faith or did not memorize enough scripture. I was saved when I was 13 after hearing a sermon that questioned whether a person was ever truly saved if they did not truly repent in their heart. I sure did not want to risk the fiery pits of eternal torture.

At 16 I met my first serious boyfriend and I eventually abandoned the idea of seeking what God wanted for my life in order to get married and support him through his college career. I finished college early and did just that. I ignored all the warning signs that the relationship was full of jealousy, control and insecurity. I only saw a man that showed me attention and made me feel loved. We would dutifully attend church and have bible studies, experiencing a few hurts along the way with different churches. I was blind to the reality that churches are full of imperfect people and that I was one of them. Eventually our marriage fell apart with hurtful secrets. These were not supposed to happen in a Christian marriage, were they? I kept searching for someone to show me attention and make me feel good about myself. I felt so ashamed that I was divorced and the circumstances that were involved, that the last place I wanted to go was church. I rebelled farther away from God and labeled it ‘independence.’ Eventually, I grew tired of the late nights and hangovers that came along with my rebellion. I also grew tired of shallow relationships. I began to realize that I could not continue running from God forever. God creates within each of us a desire for Him that cannot be satisfied with relationships with other human beings, with material possessions, or with accomplishments. Though I did not realize it, He began to show me that nothing else would truly satisfy me.

I eventually remarried in 2006. At our wedding, the pastor who performed the ceremony urged us to find a church home. We moved to Lebanon, bought a house and started to settle in to this community. We were blessed with the news that we would have a baby. I started to feel the strong desire to deal with my emotional baggage before our son arrived into this world. I visited a counselor, who helped me scratch the surface of some of my past, but it was shallow and my life did not change as a result. I still had pain from the hurt and shame in my past. I still had issues with my self esteem. I still felt frustrated when my husband and I would argue about the same issues over & over again.

We started coming to First Church in 2007. I saw the information on Celebrate Recovery and felt that longing inside me to address the “hurts, habits & hang-ups,” but I worried I would be labeled weak and sinful and that my deepest darkest secrets would be revealed. This wasn’t really for me anyway, was it? This was for those people with those big issues, right? Or was it?
It took a near-death experience in the life of a family member to make me see how fragile life is. Enough was enough. I was tired of feeling so guilty and shameful. I was tired of feeling the hurt of being abandoned by my father. I was tired of feeling frustrated with the issues in my new marriage. I was tired of running from God. And I was now a mother. I had a child to raise and did not want to teach him to hide hurts, avoid dealing with harmful habits and recurring hang-ups. So I began a journey of finally surrendering my life to God.

With CR, I found a truly safe place where I could finally stop hiding the sin in my past. Psalm 32:1-5 says,
Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.

Through this experience, I learned the truth in the statement that “God never wastes a hurt.” I have been able to work through the pain of my father abandoning me as a child and more fully understand that situation now. I finally reached a point of surrendering my life to God and starting a genuine friendship with him. I realized that God really is not an evil ogre sitting up in heaven keeping a list of all the things I do wrong in order to strike me down. Jeremiah 29:11 says ‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”’ God really isn’t out to get me.

I am finally seeing him slowly change things inside of me. I am not “there yet,” this is a lifelong process. But I am finally TRULY enjoying this journey with God. I actually desire to spend time in prayer and reading my bible and I really mean it when I sing praises to Him. I no longer seek to find security in the approval of others. God has brought me genuine friends who draw me towards him, not away. And I am finally ready to surrender my plans to him, to offer the gifts and talents he has blessed me with to Him for His glory, not my own.

Everyone can heal with this program. Everyone has hurts, habits and hang-ups—we’re human! Life hurts! If you’ve ever been hurt, if you’ve ever had a habit you couldn’t change on your own strength or a hang-up you couldn’t get over; it’s not too late. Don’t waste another day. Life is so very short. Attending Celebrate Recovery does not mean you are weak or sinful or one of “those people.” I am indeed one of “those people” and so are you, we all are! Finally starting the road to recovery from your hurts, habits and hang-ups shows you are BOLD, COURAGEOUS AND STRONG!

we could die at any moment

2009-05-08T09:25:00.000-05:00

I was sitting in my office, awesome CD (Now Hear This, Discover New Christian Music sampler) playing on my iTunes, door closed, mini heater blowing under my desk warming my toes with the A/C blowing overhead. I knew it was going to rain today, hearing the weather forecast, and indeed it started to pour just as I walked in the building. I’ve been nestled in here in my inner office without a window, oblivious to the outside world, hearing only heavy rain distantly blowing on the roof. Someone who works down the hall just walked by and stuck his head in and said “You know the tornado sirens are going off, don’t you?!” He was shocked and almost irritated that I was unaware. I said, “No!” Then I proceeded to hop on weather.com and yes, our county is under a tornado watch. I walked down the hall to the windows and HOLY TOLEDO a major thunderstorm is going on outside. People are starting to gather here in the basement of the Civic Center, seeing the building as the safest place in town. Tornadoes have touched down in towns just 40 minutes from here, straight-line winds seem to be what we are most at risk of experiencing. The beautiful flowering bushes are almost lying completely over, under the force of the wind and rain. The glass doors downstairs are blowing open. The sirens are incessantly screaming their ominous wail.

Before hearing this, I was happily going about my day. When my eyes were suddenly opened, it changed my thinking immediately. Clearly, since I am sitting here writing this post, and sipping coffee, I am not paralyzed with fear. But the situation does remind me that life is so very fragile; and that our time here on earth is very short and could end at any moment. We cannot fully wrap our minds around God’s fascinating wisdom in creating our bodies, the world, solar system -this life that we know- as he did. It is only by his infinite wisdom and grace that we are allowed to take another breath.

As the end of the storm nears, I am hearing reports of nearby towns experiencing damage to their school buildings, people being trapped in houses, water rescues underway, frightening situations all around. But I have a peculiar peace that it is all in God’s hands. I stopped to ask the people working down the hall from me if they are certain of their place in eternity. One laughed and said “Why do you ask that?!” I said “It is my duty to ask, because I care about you as a fellow human being!” They each assured me they know where they are going after they die. They took it lightly, but I was actually serious. Out of the clear blue sky (ha! bad pun), God brought a situation to remind us all that life is short and people are dying every day.

Are you aware of the fragility of life? Are you aware of the people that God has placed in your path? Let us not waste another moment. It may be all we have left.

Toothbrush in Your Pajamas?

2009-05-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

We have been blessed with a wonderful babysitter who keeps our son Tristan on a great schedule every day and thus, ever since he was 8 or 9 weeks old, he has slept through the night. I am so very thankful to God for this blessing, since parenthood is so exhausting. I need every once of rest I can find. Occasionally, however, Tristan will be sick and will wake up in the middle of the night, or will have a leaky diaper and wake up wet, or will be thrown off in his sleep schedule and will wake up at some unnatural hour. One particular night recently, I heard him wake up, cry a little, then drift back to sleep. We have learned to not jump at the first peep we hear at 1:00 a.m. Sometimes, thankfully, it is a false alarm. On that night, his waking, crying and sleeping continued throughout the entire night. I began to think that I would find him soaked the next morning from a leaky diaper. He finally awoke for real at his normal time and was grumpy as can be! I was surprised that he was not dripping wet, so decided to continue as normal and first feed him a bottle before making another move. Even while eating, he was squirmy and fussy and I began to think that perhaps he was ill. He did not feel like he had a fever and I finally gave up on the bottle attempt and went straight to change his diaper. Maybe there was some scentless poo hiding in there that was irritating his little tush. I laid him on the changing table and unzipped his footed jammies to discover a shock. His toothbrush was in his pajamas! Had been in his pajamas all night! No wonder he was waking up, crying each time. No wonder he was grumpy when I got him from his crib. No wonder he wanted nothing to do with his bottle. Poor little guy. All night he was probably grabbing at this foreign object through his jammies, trying as hard as he could to remove it—to no avail. I realized that it must have snuck in there when I was dressing him for bed the night before. I have learned to make diaper and dressing time go a lot smoother by handing him a book or a toy of some sort. And Tristan loves to play with his toothbrush. Perhaps he’ll be a dentist someday. (ha! Yeah, right, he’s already too creative for that.) He was playing with his toothbrush the night before on the changing table and I zipped him up quickly, apparently just as his “toy” fell in, unnoticed.

It was interesting that I had no idea he was struggling with an affliction and I labeled him as grumpy. I didn’t know there was an underlying issue. I just saw the grumpies. I am sure that frequently I encounter people who must have slept with a toothbrush in their pajamas for several nights in a row, years in fact for some people. I should start to view them like that. Something else is going on that I am completely unaware of. Perhaps I just need to get out of their way. Or perhaps I could help them get that thorn out of their flesh. I pray for the wisdom to know the difference.

A Daddy's Love

2009-04-09T09:41:00.000-05:00

“The stars in the sky looked down where he lay…”

After a long wait and struggle, we learned we were pregnant with Tristan on the week of Mother’s Day 2007. Wait, is that right? I had to strain my brain to calculate that and figure it out. I think that year is right. Anyway, Adam and I were both really excited. We had selected our nursery room in the house when we first moved in. It very much needed to be redone, but we were waiting until we needed to take action before starting on it.

As my ‘first’ Mother’s Day gift, days after learning the wonderful news, Adam said he would do the nursery for me with any paint, decor and flooring that I wanted; he would get it all ready for our baby so that I wouldn’t have to work on it. Awww, how sweet! I decided to wait until we knew the sex before making final decisions. And when we learned our baby was a boy, that settled all decorating decisions. Adam ripped up the carpet, laid a wood laminate floor that looks just amazing! He measured and cut every piece and dutifully hammered each one in. I remember Tristan jumping in my tummy one day when I was in the room while Adam was hammering away. Adam patiently painted the wall with precisely measured and placed stripes, after attempting to take off yellow, flowery, very securely attached wallpaper. He put together all the bedding, furniture and the rocking chair. The room looked just as I had hoped and I was officially nesting--putting away baby clothes, books, stuffed animals, etc. Adam came home one night and said that he had one final touch to add to the baby’s room. We had seen glow-in-the-dark stars glued to the ceiling of a friend’s house years ago and loved them. Adam remembered this and wanted to do this for our son. He climbed up on the ladder and strenuously glued each planet, moon and star in place on our very vaulted ceilings. He even added the touch to recreate the solar system and then placed stars on the ceiling fan in a way that when you turn it on, they form cool circles.

Tristan, now an adventurous, curious, mischievous 15-month old, seems to have just started noticing the stars in the last month. He will point to the stars at night and smile, and gets so excited when I turn the fan on. It’s amazing to see how Adam’s love for our son is manifested.

He recently went to Texas for 2 ½ weeks (Adam, not Tristan). This is the longest he’s been away since Tristan was born and this time I missed him in a different way—in a deeper way, not only as a partner, lover and friend, but also as the father of our son. I was unsure of how Tristan would react when Adam returned. He has been attaching to me a lot and is often upset when I leave him with babysitters, or even leave the room (Tristan, not Adam). I am able to spend more time with Tristan than Adam; his early and late work schedule takes away a lot of his time. I have learned so much about the bond between a mother and a child. I had no idea how strong it would be—for both of us. Nor how wonderful it would be. It is a feeling unlike any other I have ever felt. Indescribable. For a father and a child it is different. Not bad, just different at this stage in Tristan’s life. And different since I am able to spend more time with our son.

So when Adam walked in the door after his trip, I was holding Tristan. I said, “Look! Daddy’s home!” Tristan turned and saw Adam and immediately smiled a HUGE smile, pointed, grinning. Adam saw this and was touched, he said so lovingly “awww, I MISSED you!” He took our son into his arms and hugged him sweetly, then sat down on the couch to reconnect. It was wonderful to experience. My love for my husband deepened so much at that point. To see him bonding with our child makes my heart leap. I have never looked at another man in this light. And no other man will every touch my heart like this. Or touch me in any way (ha, that could be misconstrued). I am anxious to see them bond more as father and son, and all of us together as a family, as the years pass. And I know that Adam will stick thousands more stars in the skies of Tristan’s future bedrooms (and ours too if I smile just right).

When will I get "there" God??

2009-04-08T10:50:00.000-05:00

I don’t know why this hit me as such a surprise, I suppose I already understood the following statement, but it didn’t “click” until I read it today: “We serve God by serving others.” What was that? Let me read it again… Ok, ok, I know this… but it just didn’t fully make sense until today. I have this grand idea in my head that I want to use my life to “serve God,” finally start to use the gifts and abilities that He’s given me for His purposes. Ok, that’s the goal. Someday I will get there where I can do this… but wait, let me reread this “We serve God by serving others.” Hmmm… well, there are ‘others’ all around me that are in need. Some in big ways, some in small ways. …well, I guess that means I could be “serving God” right here, right now. I think a light bulb just came on somewhere in some corner of my mind.

Take a glimpse at what my daily PDL (Purpose Driven Life) reading touched on today: {quoting Rick Warren}

Great opportunities often disguise themselves in small tasks. The little things in life determine the big things. Don’t look for great tasks to do for God. Just do the not-so-great stuff, and God will assign you whatever he wants you to do. But before attempting the extraordinary, try serving in ordinary ways.

Are you available to God anytime? Can he mess up your plans without you becoming resentful? As a servant, you don’t get to pick and choose when or where you will serve. Being a servant means giving up the right to control you r schedule and allowing God to interrupt it whenever he needs to. If you will remind yourself at the start of every day that you are God’s servant, interruptions won’t frustrate you as much, because your agenda will be whatever God wants to bring into your life. Servants see interruptions as divine appointments for ministry and are happy for the opportunity to practice serving.

Luke 16:10-12 (New Living Translation)
10 “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities. 11 And if you are untrustworthy about worldly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven? 12 And if you are not faithful with other people’s things, why should you be trusted with things of your own?

So this would mean that I don’t have to wait the 5-7 years to see “my dream realized” before I can see that I am serving God by being a servant to others.

Interesting.

Quite interesting.

Letter from God on the eve of D-Day

2009-04-03T09:47:00.000-05:00

Today is the day. Shooting tonight. Excited, nervous for some reason. Seriously, stomach in knots (either nerves or I’ve caught my baby’s stomach flu--maybe I won't have to act too hard on the drunk barfing scene). I suppose this is one of those ‘no going back’ days.

I covet your prayers today. To ban the enemy from me today, and from the hours set aside tonight. And for Christ to guide my hands, eyes, equipment, vision… for His will to truly be.

No coincidences with Him; last night I was reading in the Purpose Drive Life, how we are shaped to serve God. Unwrapping spiritual gifts, listening to your heart. Your heart: desires, hopes, interests, ambitions, dreams, affections, passion—what you love to do and what you care about most. Your heart reflects the real you—what you truly are, not what others think you are or what circumstances force you to be. God has given each of us an emotional heartbeat, that races when we think about the subjects, activities or circumstances that interest us. We instinctively care about some things and not about others. These are clues to where you should be serving. Don’t ignore your interests. Consider how they might be used for God’s glory. There is a reason that you love to do these things. God wants you to serve him passionately, not dutifully. People rarely excel at tasks they don’t enjoy doing or feel passionate about. God wants you to use your natural interests to serve him and others. How do you know when you are serving God from your heart? The first telltale sign is enthusiasm. When you are doing what love to do, no one has to motivate you or challenge you or check up on you. You do it for the sheer enjoyment. When you don’t have a heart for what you’re doing, you are easily discouraged. We have all heard people say, “I took a job I hate in order to make a lot of money, so someday I can quit and do what I love to do.” That’s a big mistake. Don’t waste your life in a job that doesn’t express your heart. Remember, the greatest things in life are not things. Meaning is far more important than money. Don’t settle for just achieving “the good life,” because the good life is not good enough. Ultimately it doesn’t satisfy. Aim instead for “the better life”—serving God in a way that expresses your heart. Figure out what you love to do—what God gave you a heart to do—and then do it for his glory.

I was speechless when I finished the chapter last night. I started ‘our 40 days’ with a list of things to focus on in my conversations with God, asking Him for direction in each area. One of the areas is my photography, my career, my job, the future of all this. He gave me a passion for photography some years ago and I slowly stopped enjoying, stopped picking up my camera at all. During this past year has called me to quit wasting this gift and rekindle my passion and start using it for His glory. I laid it on his altar. Then waited for some magic moment to happen. And waited. And waited. Well, I am tired of waiting. I’m ready to make it happen. I’m realizing that this transformation for me will perhaps be gradual. And I’m ready to accept this path.

This is my song today…

To you I give my life, not just the parts I want to
To you I sacrifice these dreams that I hold on to

Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life

To you I give the gifts
Your love has given me
How can I hoard the treasures that you've designed for free?

BecauseYour thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life

To you I give my future
As long as it may last
To you I give my present
To you I give my past

BecauseYour thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life

No Sacrifice by Jason Upton

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jG-g48I6kA

What do you want me to learn?

2009-03-30T12:13:00.000-05:00

As I may have recently noted, I am reading the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. And God is speaking to me in profound ways through this book. Every day I seem to have an opportunity to apply what he is teaching to my life and to share it with others also. This morning I was contacted by a friend who is hurting, longing to have a child, seeing others around her pregnant and feeling the pain repeatedly of not yet being pregnant. I was in this place for many years. Longing for a baby, waiting, praying, reading all the books, trying all the ‘old wives tales,’ seeing the doctors, trying the fertility medicine, hearing the news that my first husband was unable to conceive,… after my divorce, I was thankful that God did not answer my prayers, but still unsure if I would ever be a mother. When I met my current husband, I shared the details of the experience and we began trying to conceive early, realizing that it might be quite a lengthy journey. Over a year of anticipation later, we began fertility testing and treatment. In the early stages, before actual treatment began, we discovered that we were pregnant! What surprise and overwhelming joy we felt! We were so excited and started scheduling prenatal appointments and shared the news with family and friends. A short time later, when I was likely 6-8 weeks pregnant, on a Friday morning I began spotting, scared to death, we rushed to the ER and underwent tests and lab work. We were told that perhaps all was fine and to return on Monday for further lab work. Those were some of the longest days of my life. When we returned to the doctor’s office on Monday, they drew blood and we waited to meet with the doctor for the results. The nurse came in and pulled up the information on the computer, then said “Now, what are you here for today?…” before I could start to speak, she said “… oh, I see, you had a miscarriage?” That is how we were told that the little baby we had longed for would not live to be here with us. We were crushed. The grief counseling they offered to us was to put us in a room that was only as big as a closet and hand us pamphlets. I could not believe this was happening. After all the years of waiting, hoping, praying, pleading, this is what God chose to do? How could he allow my heart to break like this?… Then I was angry. Angry at Him, angry at everyone who tried to tell me to ‘look on the bright side’ or that ‘this happened for a reason’ or ‘cheer up, you’ll get pregnant again’…

Months later, we in fact did get pregnant again. I was so cautious and reserved all the way up until the 5th or 6th month of pregnancy. Actually it was not until a strange experience that I finally started seeing that my baby would soon be in my arms. In the coffee house where we were having our ladies' bible study meetings on Thursday evenings, I went in one Friday morning. The owner of the coffee shop came up to me asking if I had noticed two men sitting near the registers the prior evening. I said that yes, in fact I did notice them, as they seemed to stop talking when I walked by and smiled as they did. The owner reluctantly relayed a message that they had asked him to share with me. These men would meet every week to have their own bible study and that evening, one of them was sharing with the other that he had had a dream that week about a woman who was pregnant and he awoke feeling that God was telling him that the baby was ok and that everything would be alright and that the child would grow to be great one day. As he was sharing the story with his friend, I walked by and he was shocked and said “that is the woman in my dream.” He realized that this would perhaps sound creepy and so he told the owner and asked him to share it with me if he thought it would be appropriate. …needless to say, I was shocked. That next week, I confessed to our ladies group that I had not yet thanked God for this life he created inside me.

Tristan Alton Spencer was born on January 19, 2008 perfectly healthy! We enjoyed all those wonderful first moments, first holidays and recently celebrated his first birthday. He wears me out, but I love him so much that it hurts!

I learned a quote this past year that has stuck in my mind and heart. “God never wastes a hurt.” I know that not everyone has a revelation through some stranger’s dream that “everything will turn out right,” nor does everyone have a happy ending where they finally do get a healthy baby. But, I do see that God has a purpose in everything. In last night’s reading from the Purpose Driven Life, He reiterated to me that He has a purpose behind every problem (in the next few paragraphs I will be poorly paraphrasing as I share the words of Rick Warren). God uses circumstances to develop our character. Life is a series of problems. Every time you solve one, another is waiting to take its place. Not all of them are big, but all are significant in God's growth process for you. Problems are normal. God uses problems to draw you closer to himself. The bible says "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit." Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days-when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you're out of options, when the pain is great-and you turn to God alone. It is during suffering that we learn to pray our most authentic, heartfelt, honest-to-God prayers. When we're in pain, we don't have the energy for superficial prayers. The bible tells us to "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" God tells us to give thanks "in all circumstances" not "for all circumstances" God doesn't expect you to be thankful for evil, for sin, for suffering. Instead, God wants you to thank him that he will use your problems to fulfill his purposes. We can rejoice knowing that God is going through the pain with us. We do not serve a distant and detached God who spouts encouraging clichés safely from the sideline. Instead, he enters into our suffering. Be patient and persistent. Character building is a slow process. If you are facing trouble right now, don't ask, "Why me?" Instead ask, "What do you want me to learn?" Then trust God and keep on doing what's right.

If someone had shared this with me after Adam and I had the miscarriage, I would have wanted to slap them.

But I do see now that because of my pain, I have been able to minister to a friend who was 8 months pregnant when her baby boy was stillborn-she too had tried for years for a baby. And another friend who was pregnant with twins and lost them. Both of these girls are now pregnant again and scared to death that something will happen to their babies. Which is how I felt when we were pregnant again with Tristan.

As I read that chapter last night, I realized that I am in this place again, waiting for a situation in my life to change. Asking God “Why??? Why am I going through this? Why will you not change this situation?” (We are NOT trying to have another baby right now, please don't misread that! HA!) God started speaking to me on this a few weeks ago at church during a sermon where He spoke to me about my unanswered prayers. Our pastor stated that maybe God wasn't answering my prayer to find the lost coin/find the lost sheep/bring the prodigal son home yet because He wants to change something about me first. Or something close to that, again, I know I'm poorly paraphrasing. And I thought hmmm...interesting, I wonder if God meant for me to hear that. (ha) So last night, when I read the lines ‘If you are facing trouble right now, don’t ask “Why me?” Instead ask, "What do you want me to learn?,"’ this situation of mine again become a little more clear in my mind. And then when I awoke today and was able to share this with my friend wanting a baby, I again am seeing “the hand of God in the random, baffling and seemingly pointless circumstances of life” and hoping that she will someday too. Also hoping she won’t slap me next time I see her.

Please take 2 minutes to listen to this clip from Ron Hutchcraft's A Life that Matters radio show:

http://www.hutchcraft.com/images/stories/altm/A_Life_That_Matters_03-25-2009.mp3

When I first heard it, I wept.

Cleaning out my thought closet

2009-03-27T15:19:00.000-05:00

Last night was the first night of our Thursday night Ladies' Bible Study. I have been out of the loop ever since the first one 1.5 yrs ago... wow ladies, keep up the good work. This time we are doing the study "Me, Myself & Lies" by Jennifer Rothschild. This study is based on her book "Self Talk, Soul Talk: What to Say When You Talk to Yourself." Her web ministry site is http://womensministry.net/ and will launch a new site on April 1. Interesting to see that it is geared toward Women's ministry leaders. I see a recurring theme in what God is bringing to my mind in recent days. And here's her link for the book: http://selftalksoultalk.com/

As I open the bible study book, I read the verse Psalm 19:14 "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." I am hoping to cling to this as I join the other ladies of our group in the adventure to organize our thought closets. More from the introduction to the first week: "Often the words we speak to ourselves while lying in bed or looking in the mirror are not even close to the words God wants us to speak to our souls. We tell ourselves things like 'You're so stupid' or 'You're never going to change'... in the next few weeks we'll recognize what we say to ourselves, begin to refuse the lies we speak to ourselves, and replace that old destructive self-talk with powerful, life-changing soul talk..."

I am excited to work on changing the repetitive negative thoughts that often haunt me. Curious to see where God will lead me in this. At the study last night, Julie shared an exercise that she did at her Beth Moore pastor's wives conference; to think in six-word statements. We were asked to share life statements in exactly six words. Fun exercise. Some great responses were shared.

My life before God turned it around: "woo hoo girls!... how you doin'?" heavy accent, wink added.

My life now: "Thanks for baby. Nap now please?" "Ready, willing, need you for able." "what's next God? Need directions please."

I can't stop thinking in six-word sentences now. Thanks a lot Julie!

More later after I dive into the study.

Ready, willing, need Him for able

2009-03-26T21:35:00.000-05:00

Well, as you can read from 'about me,' I have been reclaimed for Jesus, by His grace! I am nearing the one year mark of the moment of reckoning with the direction of my life. I am seeking God's direction for the rest of my days, the direction of my career and His calling in my every day life. I have been talking with Him about this during our "40 days," and long before as well. But during this time, He is moving and shaking in profound ways.

He gave me a vision (images in my mind) during worship at church Sunday, calling me to share my testimony through this gift of photographic art that He has given me. To be used for His glory, to draw others to Him. This is a daunting task, the idea of bringing my dark secrets out into the light. Up until a few months ago, I had never dreamed of telling anyone about my past, living in shame. I have set a date for shooting and am making plans, checklists of props, models, etc. Please pray with me and hold me accountable to be obedient.

So, with this project in the works, I am still asking God to reveal to me a direction, a path of where to go, what to do, how I can use my life for Him. And I came across the announcement of a conference on the Proverbs 31 website.

God drew me in as I read about discussion topics being: Leadership, Speaking and Writing. I have been thrown into public speaking with my current job and am at a point in my life where I want to utilize more of what God has given me for Him! And to do so with contentment and joy! Perhaps with leadership in our Celebrate Recovery program at our church, or public speaking, or something utilizing my photography in all of this... God, this is where I need your guidance! I am ready and willing. I need you to do the able part--please make this happen however you truly desire.

Here's the scoop on the conference.
http://www.shespeaksconference.com/

To lure you there, here are some excerpts:

If you've ever felt God calling you to learn how to more effectively:
-share your story
-teach a class in your church
-write a book
-have a more impactful blog
-or become a speaker...

this is the conference for you!

Lysa TerKeurst writes:
"Dear Friends, If you are like me, we share a passion to step out with the messages God has placed on our hearts. Do you ever feel this way? Do you long to connect women and bring them closer to the Heart of God?... She Speaks is not just another conference... it is a true experience with God and a revival in your calling..."

They reference Proverbs 31:6 "She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue."

And I am praying for His direction on this conference. They are offering a scholarship contest and to enter, you are asked to post the info on your blog. What perfect timing as I just started this thing earlier in the week. God laughs every time I use the word ironic! He knows our financial situation and how I would need a scholarship to participate in this event. But this (finances) is another topic I have been discussing with Him and He is working. In the past I have limited His work in my life due to my financial situation. I so desperately want to lay this at His feet. He is known for miracles, for doing this beyond what our human eyes can imagine. I pray for His will.

And so the blog begins.....